Pluto is no longer a planet. It is now a dog. You know how they made it? They broke it in half, added a tail and a head, and made it yellow.
Dogs
27
Jun 10
The Happiness Machine
Last November my wife and I invested in a Happiness Machine. We’re very happy with it. It works quite well.
The Happiness Machine is pleasing to look at. I feel a deep fondness in my heart whenever I set my eyes on it. It’s soft to the touch. The Happiness Machine is fuzzy. Sometimes it can have a foul odor, but that’s another story.
It’s very easy to maintain a Happiness Machine. It requires regular fueling, twice a day. It also produces exhaust, so we must make sure to take it outside regularly. Every once in a while, the Happiness Machine emits exhaust inside our house. On those occasions, we yell at the Happiness Machine.
No matter. The Happiness Machine loves to see us, bouncing up and down when we walk in the house, and soaking us with its kissing device when we wake up in the morning. The Happiness Machine can detect when we’re upset and goes into cheer-me-up mode.
But it’s not all sunshine and roses. All Happiness Machines have their quirks and known malfunctions. Ours runs around the house at 90 miles per hour at eight in the evening. It also destroys, whenever possible, our socks and underwear.
On the whole, I give our Happiness Machine two big thumbs up. I wholly recommend one.
22
Apr 10
My Dog is a Pervert
With apologies to Dan Greenburg’s “My Dog Is a Plumber” poem from Free To Be You And Me.
My dog is a pervert. He sniffs at my crotch.
When I’m in the shower he’ll sit there and watch.
And on any old day, whether Friday or Monday
His favorite thing is to chew on my undies.
“The stankier, the better,” my dog says to me.
“So don’t buy detergent, I’ll lick ‘em for free.”
His gonads are gone, so I find it amazin’
How he humps at my leg, with his lipstick a-blazin’.
I blush at the thought of the things that he’ll eat
Yet the scariest part is, he isn’t in heat.
23
Feb 10
Dog’s Testes Being Removed Today
“Day of reckoning” is on a lot of people’s tongues todays. According to some sunshiny optimists, the U.S. financial system may be headed for one. Whether you believe that or not, one thing is certain: today is the day of reckoning for my Havanese puppy’s testicles.
According to Wikipedia, my wife and I are acting in accordance with advice from the majority of humane societies in the United States:
“In the United States, most humane societies, animal shelters and rescue groups (not to mention numerous commercial entities) urge pet owners to have their pets “spayed or neutered” to prevent the births of unwanted litters, contributing to the overpopulation of animals.”
So there’s the conventional wisdom that removing your dog’s gonads is a good thing. And after years of Price is Right brainwashing where the host urged me to spay or neuter my animal, I humbly offer a sacrifice of furry dog testes to the altar of Bob Barker.
So this morning, as I left for work, I gingerly placed a kiss on Baxter’s furry little head. He’s taking one from the team. It’s the right thing to do, but probably not as far as he’s concerned.